does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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