found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
