I'm so fucking centered right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
