we're making bets on your personal life
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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