we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
