i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
