I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
