If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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