Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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