Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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