i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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