Can i not drive my cunt home
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
