Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
