I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
