Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
