So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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