I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
