Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
