what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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