I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
