i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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