Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
