i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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