Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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