guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
