Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
