if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
