you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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