So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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