If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
