I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
