what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
