Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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