he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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