We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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