I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
