Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
