I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
love makes seman taste better
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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