I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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