Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
