remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Small penises have feelings too.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
