i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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