May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
