i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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