New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
