i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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