Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
