I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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