I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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