Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
