I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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