I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
