I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
