Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
