At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
