is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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