My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize