christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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