The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
