I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
ok first of all what the fuck
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
