Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
