Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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