Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
